Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I Threw Up In My Mouth A Little Today!

We are the parents of a wonderful little girl. Beautiful. Intelligent. Smile Infectious. A truly amazing little human who touches each soul she meets. BUTT! (and yes, you read that correctly B-U-T-T) there are some real asses out there in the world.

Recently, (today, which is why I am writing this now) I came across a comment on another blog (which shall remain nameless), whereby an "anonymous" person (yeah, brave, eh?) suggested that parents, who give birth via surrogacy stand accused of paying for a "Designer Baby".

Seriously? A designer baby? Because they opted for a surrogacy program? Because this particular child has Blond hair and blue eyes, the "anonymous" person likened their birth choice to the NAZI MASTER RACE PROGRAM. THE FRIKKIN NAZIS!!! (never in a million years would I have thought to mention Nazi's on our blog...maybe fashion Nazi's, but that is another story). This because most surrogacy programs allow two men to determine whose sperm will be used. Either mixed or chosen. Some, for considerable amounts of fundage, will even allow you to choose the sex and eye color...(which we declined...cuz personally, we found that creepy). OUR OPINION for US ONLY!

I threw up in my mouth a little when I read that! How could anyone accuse parents of such a thing. Two people who probably weighed the best, most important birthing decision of their lives. Our experience was long and drawn out, because we had to weigh countless choices. Adoptions (our state did not allow it at the time), Live birth (we decided against for fear of the birth mother changing her mind. Open Adoption, (same reason as Live Birth)...foreign surrogacy (too involved for us at the time and difficult to find a trusting source) and Foreign Adoption, (again involved and no guarantees). In short, it took almost three years before we had even conceived, just because of the paperwork involved!

Perhaps we were selfish. We knew in our hearts, for us to have a child together, we preferred the biological method. With all the legal, medical and scientific crap involved, trust me, it never really felt like a biological birthing process. Men and Women can get pregnant, easily. In my thought process, there are way too many "easy" babies out there...wanting homes...and we could not give them one...for so many ridiculous reasons. And quite frankly, we were not willing to wait any longer, for anyone else to determine if we were "fit" to be parents.

We chose surrogacy because we wanted to. We could. Regardless of the reasons, it was our decision. OURS! We would never, ever demean someone, discriminate against or judge anyone based on their very personal decisions to have a child. However they chose to do it. Many people could never afford the program we utilised, and we have had plenty of comments pertaining to that fact (most harmless, just curious as to how it worked) and we have met those comments with facts...not glossing over the difficult times...the seemingly endless frustrations with the lengthy process...the HUGE amounts of money set up in trust BEFORE you are even matched with a Surrogate. The worrying if our sperm count is up to par, or if we will even get pregnant the first time, the concern that the surrogate will stay healthy...that our child will be born "normal" (all ten fingers and toes - yes I counted when she was born).. Endless concerns. Just like you...anyone having a child. And, we most certainly share the joyous times; Meeting the surrogate for the first time, the one who will unselfishly give up her life for up to a year...and that first ultrasound...or the first heartbeat...yup...just like you. I would assume the first time a potential adoptive parent see a picture of the child, or the ultrasound, it would feel exactly the same...the pride, the joy!

We considered adoption, (again, not legal in our state at the time), and also the fact that there are millions of unwanted, abandoned American Children who need loving homes...but, we were not given that opportunity because we are Gay. We could have gone out of state, but., the costs, although reasonable would have provided no guarantees...and bringing a child across state lines, legally adopted or not, creates a whole other bag of tricks for us Gay Folks (again, at the time, 5+ years ago, in our state). And, to be honest, we were eager to have our family come to life...Once we had made our decision to start a family, nothing was going to stand in our way of creating life...our way. We have even had some rude comments and insinuations that we should have gone the adoptions route, considering the amount of money it cost us to conceive and carry, based on the amount of children needing homes. We considered all of it...with very heavy hearts! And when we meet families with adopted children, we are thrilled for them as a family. We don't compare our processes with theirs...we are just happy for them. They were able to create a provide a loving a child! (and of course, I tend to whip out the camera and blind everyone, taking countless pics)...

Now, I am sharing all of this because I feel the need to remind people; Please, before you open your mouth and let out a whole lot of hurt, consider yourself. Consider the position you would be in, doing whatever it took to make a family. Reach out and try to understand, to educate yourselves in the many options, and not, that are available (and not) to anyone. Gay, Str8, etc...doesn't matter. Options are out there, but the right options can only be chosen by those involved. And if you have never had to experience any of these life altering, life changing avenues...then please, shut before you speak!

Allow these families to enjoy their, well families without their having to consider your opinions! Consider what each go through, and will continue to go through, their entire life. No one should look in shame on any family...for wanting just that...a family!

It shouldn't matter how people have children, what should matter is they did...they do..and they will. Bringing children into this world (legally) is a miracle. And for the record, we are considering expanding our family..this time through adoption. Stay Tuned!

Our little one (and this blog) should be testament enough!

We know resume our regularly scheduled broadcast. You have not missed any of your favorite shows!

19 BellaBuddies left comments! Ya know ya wanna!!:

Teacher Tom said...

Bravo! Bravo! Well said. There are a lot of judgement monkeys out there. Usually, it's best to just ignore them, but sometimes its good to just go off on them!

This is one of my favorite shows so I didn't miss a thing!

PJ Mullen said...

The ignorance is astounding. I can't even imagine someone questioning the manner in which someone else becomes a parent. I had friends that were not able to conceive and considered surrogacy as an option, but for biological reasons that idea failed them too. They went on to adopted two awesome little boys that I am proud to call my godsons.

What you guys did was not selfish in the least. You wanted to share your life with a child and, between what was right for you and the stupidity of the laws at time, you set out to achieve your goal.

I admire you both for going through all of that to get what you so badly wanted. As much as I wanted a family, I don't know if I would have had the patience and fortitude to go through all of that myself.

Haters be damned. Bella is a very lucky little girl to have you two and you two, her.

~Just me again~ said...

There are some very stupid, opinionated people out there. You have a wonderful, beautiful lil girl. Can't wait to see how she will be with a lil sibbling. Both are blessed to have such wonderful parents.

Spuds said...

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not... First of all, I ALWAYS knew gay men were secretly Nazis... I KNEW IT!!! Nazi's and homosexuals have a long history of getting along well together, right?? Seriously, I can't believe there are still such ignorant people in the world! I admire your courage in stepping forward so and standing tall despite the criticism. Besides, everyone knows that only Spud can sire the true "Master Race" of angry pygmies! (I'm currently reviewing resumes for the next ex-girlfriend/candidate)

Mike and Mike said...

I was told, be someone who is a long-time friend, he felt having a child through surrogacy was the ultimate in egoistic pursuits. He staunchly believed there was a moral obligation for us to do adoption. Which, at the time, we were attempting.

After 3 years of heartbreak and finally taking the surrogacy plunge, he realized he was an f'ing A-hole for his comments as he saw just how difficult and emotionally wrenching it was for us.

In our experience, hurtful mean comments come from people who have absolutely no clue. What's sad is that these comments come from not just strangers, but sometimes family and "friends."

If you're not going to exercise your ability for higher cognitive thought, you should not be allowed to speak or comment.

surprised mom said...

I'm sorry you had to read that trash and get sick this morning. People still amaze me (even at my age) with their ignorance. Bringing a child into your family, no matter what method, is a miracle. Looking at Bella, I know she is a lucky little girl to have you two as parents. And I know, through reading your blog, you love her so very much.

I know first hand about adoption, my sister adopted her three children. There is a large age gap between the oldest and the next child, because twice, at the last minute, the adoption fell through. Once, my sister and her husband were walking out the door, and they got the call it was off. Two of her are foreign adoptions, one is local. I applaud you for considering adding another child to your family through adoption.

As for the trauma you have to go through to add children to your life because you are gay just makes me sad and so very angry. Why do these laws and attitudes still prevail in the 21st century? I don't have any answers. Some people revel in their ignorance.

As for the brave person who made the comment and signed anonymous, well just goes to show you can shoot off your mouth in print and not take responsibility. It's too easy to say something on a blog, or respond to something and not claim it as your own. The writer is probably one of those who revel in ignorance.

Ok, this response is getting too long. Just know that I think Bella Daddy and Papa are great parents!

Melisa with one S said...


And it's a shame (Understatement) that some people use the anonymity of the internet to write such judgmental, hurtful things. Idiots.

Haha: my word verification is "bumme". :)

WeaselMomma said...

I agree that picking eye color and sex is kind of creepy. Also, there are some real hate filled jerks out there who just need to be shunned as irrelevant.

seashore subjects said...

You are so right! There is so much judgment and ignorance in the world it is astounding. And for them to put their views on someone else and cause another person grief is pathetic, in my humble opinion.

dad-blogs said...

Unfortunately, I am not surprised. But, that being said, it takes numskulls out there like whoever this individual is to shed light on this type of backwards thinking and show just how wrong it is. In a way, you should be thanking this writer.

You totally had me dying over fashion Nazis though. Dave-id, you are the furthest thing from a Nazi I am currently aware of and that writer is certainly far closer. Stay strong my friend.

2momswithaplan said...

Sometimes I am amazed at how ignorant people are. I'm sorry you read such a horrible comment. I think you handled it well though. Your love for Bella is very clear - it doesn't matter how she arrived into this world, what matters is that she is part of a family who loves her completely.

CJ said...

I found you guys through John and Steve. I am a lesbian mother of three. One bio (I was 19), one domestically adopted (she has Down syndrome) and one failed adoption. My partner are going to being trying to conceive with a known donor this spring. I commend your post. I wish we ALL (gay, straight, whatever) could support one another as PARENTS regardless of how our children are conceived or brought into our families. If you had chosen pre-implantation genetic testing for possible birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, some would still accuse you of trying to design your child...not ensure it's optimal health.

People are ass-hats. Raising a special needs child has taught me this.

Your daughter is BEAUTIFUL and I look forward to reading back into your archives and getting to know your family.

Mark said...

Well Said!
You put such passion into writing that Post. It was great. It is true that Laws have kept the Gay community from a lot of things and are still doing it. When we adopted our first son(2000), only one of us could legally adopt him and our attorney told us not to mention the fact that we were gay. So, we shut our mouths. Laws in PA changed in 2003 now we are fine. And sometime we can't wait for Change. Who wants to start a family at age 60? Not me. I'll be enjoying my Grandkids by then. And if Immigration Laws concerning bi-national couples do not change, I'll be forced to enjoy them in Europe.
Your Friend, m.

Eric said...


i'm getting used to my new gadget.

but well said. we get crap by people, sometimes family because we choose to keep having kids. i know it's different set of circumstances, but it is none of their dang business how many kids we have.

prayers for you your family.

KWG said...

You guys rock. Really. Some folk shouldn't be allowed to breed. Really. Excited to hear about your adoption thoughts! We considered as well, but decided to have number 2 the old-fashioned way, coming in August...

Spuds said...

I think you should REALLY piss off all of the conservatives out there and adopt five more kids and have a total of SIX like me. You think you get judged harshly by the conservative "tea baggers" but we parents with more "More Than Four" just chuckle at you "rooky" parents. (Chuckle Chuckle) Time to step up to the big leagues, Dude! We took up THREE shopping carts at Costco today! THREE!! And that was just for two weeks of groceries... DAMN!!! Oh well...

Mrs.Lemon said...

Anonymous posters are such cowards. The lack of intelligence is astounding...seriously. Love you guys.

Anonymous said...

I totally missed the "designer baby" link on the web site during our egg donor selection process.

Lee said...

I am touched by your post. Not because you are Gay parents who found a way to have a child...but because you are PARENTS who were unable to concieve a child by yourselves, but wanted a child, any child, badly enough that you were willing to put everything you have into getting one. Every child deserves a loving home, and every loving home deserves a child. I have never understood the corelation between being Gay and being fit parents. I have never understood how one has anything to do with the other.

I have concidered being a surrogate myself, and might still concider it for the right couple...but none of my many concerns would involve sexual orientation. Bravo to you and your parnter for taking on the world of parenting in a world where you will not always be accepted.

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